These were the words I uttered for the first time – what, must have been at least 3 months ago now. I had all these images of what it would be like to join a fellowship; my sister has been in NA (Narcotics Anonymous) for years, and I’ve even been to an open meeting once. I thought once I said those words, that would be it. Hard as it might be, I’d get “sober” like the dry alcoholic, the clean drug addict.
It hasn’t been like that at all.
They said “go to 6 meetings, different meetings, and see if it’s right for you.” SIX?? So what, I keep compulsively, desperately eating, keep feeling depressed and ashamed, going to meeting and changing nothing? They said, “look for the similarities, not the differences”. Oftentimes, relief would wash over me; it’s not just me that thinks this way. But then anger would rise up. How did you get from there to here? How did you start the steps? Why isn’t there a set of rules I can start following today? Why doesn’t anyone seem to want to be my sponsor? Why won’t you tell me your secrets??
I went to six meetings in less than 2 weeks. When I want something, I move fast, and often blindly. I don’t look to see what’s coming before I cross the street, I just run across it. I was desperate for recovery. Desperate not to be unhappy. Desperate not to be fat. Desperate to get started on the steps. Just desperate.
I’ve been desperate in the past. Maybe I’ll share some of my stories over time: the time I joined Weight Watchers; the time Lighterlife landed me in hospital; the time I tried Lighterlife again regardless; the time I let an ex-boyfriend fat-shame me until I was restricting dangerously; the hundred other times I’ve dieted, followed food plans, lost weight, gained more, and hated myself.
At meeting 6, I spoke up about how frustrated I was. How desperate I was to change, to start the steps, to begin on the road to recovery. I live fast. I think fast, I act fast. I have a new hobby every month. I drop them as quickly as I pick them up. And yet, I didn’t see the danger in running in headfirst, crying out for someone to help me get better now.
Weeks have passed since then. Weeks in which I continued to be angry and frustrated. I was talking to someone who didn’t have capacity to sponsor me fully, but was happy to support. For a while, that helped carry me through, but I retreated, afraid and alone.
I have a sponsor now. She sent me some work sheets to do, and this morning we spoke about “red listing” foods for the first time. And now I’m sat at work, completely unable to do anything. My mind was foggy, confused, and I was feeling like I didn’t know why I couldn’t concentrate. I decided to try writing some feelings down to clear my mind a bit, and look at this. The only topic that has come out is my early experience with Overeaters Anonymous.
So it’s food, then.
The fear that I can’t keep using food, and I don’t know how else to cope. In one breath I’m desperate to be free of this illness, and in the next I’m desperate to cling on to it. Food is controlling me to such an extent I can sit and look at my “to-do” list and still be paralysed, because someone told me it’s time to stop eating sausage rolls.
To start this blog, they made me give it a name. Three words came out: Food (of course). Family. And Fear. Above I’ve covered about 0.0001% of my thoughts on, and experiences with, food. Family… well, this could take just as long as trying to explain everything about my life being controlled by food.
My mum is in hospital a lot. She’s in hospital today. I won’t have my mum for years into the future. We fight a lot, she drives me crazy and certainly her problems with food have impacted me greatly. But I’m so afraid to lose her.
My sister has endless mental health problems; she’s clean and sober now, but all the underlying mental health problems, and her eating disorder, still rage on. I’m so grateful to have her clean and sober, and it’s transformed our relationship, but I’m so afraid for her future, too.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel depressed. I feel anxious. I am afraid.
But I’m trying to feel hopeful. Already, I feel a tiny bit better for having written some of this down. This might turn into a blog with mini and major blogs, all the times, if I keep using it as a tool for recovery. It also might turn into a hobby that gets dropped by next month. 😉
But whatever it does or doesn’t turn into, I’m glad I wrote this, and if you’ve read this far, your comments are welcomed.
Family, Fears and Food 