Today, I realised that I’m running. I thought I was “on the right path”, and – one of my favourite (self-coined) phrases – “being the driver, not the passenger, in the journey of my life”. But I’m running, and that’s not necessarily the great thing I thought it was.
I’d been planning to move house. I don’t have a house yet, but I was planning to stay with a friend who lives hours away while I look. Up north, aka, in the cheap part of the country. Then, a spanner in the works cropped up. A big spanner.
Two nights ago, my sister came to me (a few drinks in, admittedly) and told me she was ready to leave her partner. This didn’t come as a surprise; it’s a long, complicated story, and one that’s hers to tell, not mine. But suffice to say, they’ve been through a lot, they were together for a reason, but they are not a good match and they would be better off going their separate ways.
The house I dream of…
So immediately, I said I’ll stay. My wonderful sister and her beautiful baby girl need somewhere to live. Financially, I’m not in a bad situation. I could afford to stay paying these London prices. I would love to have my sister and baby niece around. But she feels guilty; that I shouldn’t change my life for her and her baby. I can’t seem to find a way to explain, that I am making my life choices based on what makes me happy. Seeing my sister free and happy, living with her and the baby, would make me happy.
So will I end up moving or not? I knew I’d settled on the decision to move, but it’s surprised me how thrown I am by this new uncertainty. It’s made me face my motivation for moving a lot more; I realise a big part of why I’m moving is the fear of how chaotic my life has become here. I’m definitely unhappy. In the two days since this conversation with my sister, and of course the conversation with my OA Sponsor (covered in my earlier blog post here), my food has spiralled further out of control than ever before.
So I’m running.
My head is killing me. I’m so tired, all the time. The emotional pressure is altogether too much, and the food I’m eating is all fat, carbs, sugar, so it’s no surprise that I’m feeling the physical effects. So how do I move forward?
The last thing I want to do is create a blog where I’m whinging day and night. Oh, woe is me. I am gainfully employed, loved by family, I have wonderful holidays and friends around the world. Let’s start a pity party for one, huh? #worldssmallestviolintime
But, I do want to be honest. And this is me, honest. To help myself, I’m going to share now with you some goals I’m setting for this weekend:
- Complete 5 items on my work to-do list (this is reasonable, as because of the lack of focus I’ve had at work, I’m falling behind)
- Pack my living room storage items (and in doing so, keep out the documents I need as part of the move, if it happens)
- Do laundry
- Empty the fridge
- Pack for my business trip
It’s still a bit startling to me, that I have to list such simple tasks as “do laundry” or “empty fridge” (aka, throw away out of date, rotting food that’s gone uneaten because my illness is in control right now). OA’s Step One says, “We admitted we were powerless over food, and that our lives had become unmanageable.” More than ever before, I’m realising how powerless I am, and certainly how unmanageable my life has become as a result of my food addiction. I thought my overeating was a symptom of my unmanageable life, just one part of it. OA is helping me realise how wrong I am about that.
I am running. I want to run. But if I don’t get on a path free of food obsession, I’m only running to another unhappy place. This journey will hurt, but I think I’m ready for it.
Family, Fears and Food 