*please forgive typos, it’s late and I’m working from my phone…*
Yesterday I flew over to Germany; my work requires occasional international travel. The two nights I’ve been here, I’ve slept terribly. But, on the flight over here, for a moment there I was feeling quite positive. So, rather than lay in bed grumpy, tired but awake again, tonight at gone midnight, I’ve grabbed my phone to share a bit about what’s going through my mind.
I felt pretty shit all weekend; headaches, lethargy, general malaise. My sponsor challenged me to tackle eating while travelling as one of my first “red list” activities, so I wonder how much of the problem was subconsciously gearing up to a journey where I ate sensibly. My sponsor “congratulates” me for this level of self-awareness but frankly I hate it. I hate that my obsession with food is affecting me as much as it is; I hate that I thought I knew myself but for potentially decades, I’ve kept this hidden from myself.
I did OK, I guess. It’s so hard to celebrate my successes when it comes to food; sometimes I spot a small win, then tell myself it’s so pathetically small it’s no better than a failure. My sponsor asked me, am I willing to do whatever it takes for recovery; I answered yes, but then something comes along, I don’t do the “best” possible and then I fall into this pit of self-pity, resentment, anger and disappointment.
Oh, and then comes the next thought, right on cue every time: how can I be expected to give up this thing that I’m addicted to, that I use as my primary coping assist, with no alternative strategy in place? If you previously read my first blog post (which, if I was on a laptop rather than in bed on my phone, I’d link to…But yeah, have a read if you’re interested!) you’ll already know about how angry I’ve been at not understanding the OA program. It’s felt a bit like tackling the disease itself; I understand it logically, in my head, but in my heart I can’t describe it any way other than to say I just don’t get it.
So am I failing, or winning? Is it that black and white, especially this early? I simply can’t do it on my own. If I could, I wouldn’t be in OA in the first place. I mentioned a moment of positivity on the flight over; I picked up the big book, for the last 10 minutes or so of the flight. I have just reached the We Agnostics chapter, and the first couple of pages had me breathing such a sigh of relief!
Excerpt from Chapter 4, the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book”:
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.
I can’t describe the sense of relief I felt reading this. YES, I feel powerless. YES, I need to find a power to live by. But NO, I had no idea how to find one. The Big Book is promising to help me, and I can’t wait to jump on a plane tomorrow (and the next day, and the next day… too many flights this week!) and read more of this chapter.
But if I’m being honest, what I’m looking forward to more, is getting a proper sleep sometime soon…
Family, Fears and Food 